


i can feel her heartbeat

by aenar_thedragonlady



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Blood and Injury, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mild Blood, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:27:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29674899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aenar_thedragonlady/pseuds/aenar_thedragonlady
Summary: one.two.three.her heartbeat. i can feel her heartbeat.mikasa, please hold on.
Relationships: Mikasa Ackerman & Armin Arlert & Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 4
Kudos: 77





	i can feel her heartbeat

Eren was stupid.

He always knew he was stupid.

But that specific day, that one specific moment, he felt like finally stabbing himself for being impulsively dumb. Sure, he’d punched and beat himself up before, but he genuinely thought of ending himself then and there.

He let his anger cloud his judgement, as he did too frequently, and he failed to see the danger he put himself in. Not that he couldn't handle it, but it resulted in collateral damage that was too painful for it to be considered collateral.

He was charging for one of Kenny's men, not bothering to wait for orders from Captain Levi. He didn't see that another one of them was standing on the ground, his gun pointed at Eren. Eren was confident the bastard couldn’t make the shot, he was moving too fast on his ODM gear.

But he did.

And he wasn't aiming to hit Eren with a bullet. Eren was one of the people they needed to retrieve. When he pulled the trigger, he sent one of his hooks Eren’s way.

In Eren's head, he thought he'd just cut his leg off if it did get him. The leg would heal and grow back instantly if he wanted it to.

That was what he planned, at least.

It was far from what happened.

"Eren! Get out of the way!" A voice all too familiar came from his left. When he turned to see that it was Mikasa, his heart dropped. He couldn’t even shout or shove her out of the way.

"Mikasa!" Armin shouted from the cavern entrance as the hook pierced through Mikasa's torso. Eren heard her cursing under her breath. 

Shit.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

He wanted to push her away and let him handle this. He was mere seconds too late.

Her blood stained his leg, the leg that the hook was supposed to maim. The man that shot her grimaced at her interference and slammed her into the nearest column, leaving her to bleed when she dropped to the floor limp.

Everything happened so fast, Eren didn't even get the chance to breathe.

Eren’s eyes searched and searched, and when he found her, he felt like screaming.

Eren saw her unmoving body, and the blood pooling around her. He couldn't tell if she was awake, or if she was breathing.

He caught the eyes of the man who shot her, his hook stained with her blood. Then Eren saw red.

He heard Armin telling him to stay back but it was drowned out by the sound of his blood thundering in his ears. He was already pissed that they hurt Armin when they kidnapped Historia. Eren was lucky enough to slip from their grip earlier only because Mikasa was there. 

But now she was lying on the cavern floor, blood pooling around her. Eren felt sick to his stomach at the thought of how much blood she was losing.

Armin better tell the others to continue with the smoke and gas plan. 

No. Hell no.

He was done holding back. He let out a shout so strangled and shrill he might've torn his throat open.

When he saw smoke canisters and gunpowder barrels flying around and exploding around him, he made his move.

He needed to kill them all. He wanted to kill them all.

His blades flew and maimed, bullets missing him by inches. He didn't care if he got shot. They all had to be dead.

_ Kill them all. _

_ I’ll kill them all. _

And in his anguished mania, he did.

The bodies of Kenny's men lay strewn on the cavern floor like dried leaves on a sidewalk. Even against titans, he wasn’t that fast. He owed it to the cover the smoke and gas gave him. And the anger that drove him.

He made his way to where Mikasa laid, the blood of Kenny's men dripping from his blade and clothes. He was drenched in the red liquid, except it wasn’t his. He heard Armin approach them, his voice distant as Eren decided the outside world could wait.

He ignored Armin. He ignored everything else.

She had to be alive. She needs to be alive.

He kneeled by Mikasa, still unable to see if she was breathing or not. Her eyes were open, but unfocused and hazy. He wanted to reach out to her, so badly. But he thought of how much contrast there was between her porcelain skin, which was almost too pure for his blood-stained hands to touch. His heart rose to his throat as his feet grew as heavy. He dropped his blades and inched close enough to graze the side of her body with his knee.

_ Please be alive. _

_ Please, please. _

He pressed his hand on the open wound, putting pressure on it, her blood warm against his cold hands. He placed 2 fingers on the pulse point on her neck, something he remembered his father did when checking on his patients.

He pressed them against her skin to feel if there was a pulse.

"Eren..." Armin sobbed somewhere behind him, hopeless. He heard more footsteps approach them. He wanted to scream and shout at them to stay back. He wanted them to let him make sure she was alright first.

This was his fault. His fault and his alone. He was already in a million pieces, and he broke into a million more at how devastated Armin sounded, trying to talk sense into him. Armin told him of how the odds were almost impossible for her to be alive. He knew that, but he pushed that thought away.

His breath caught in his throat as he waited to feel something. Anything.

It felt like forever, waiting for the slightest beat against his fingertips.

Then he felt it. 

_ One. _

_ Two. _

_ Three. _

_ Her heartbeat. I can feel her heartbeat. _

They were faint, barely there, but steady. Her heart was beating. She was alive.

He felt like crying. Hell, he was crying already, relief overtaking him. But had to put his joy aside.

She was holding on, but she won't be any longer. Not unless they act fast.

_ Mikasa, please hold on. _

Eren turned to Armin, a new fire in his eyes as he shouted at his friend and the rest of the Survey Corps as he cradled her bloodied body.

"WE NEED TO GET HER BACK TO BASE! NOW!"

* * *

The nurse didn't let anyone into her room for the first three days, not that Eren could visit her anyway if he wanted to. The captain locked him up for insubordination, and for risking not only her life, but the lives of the rest of the Corps members as well. He was let out after a week with a new punishment of a month of stable duties if they weren't out to continue with any work outside the walls.

The first thing he did when he was released from probation was to head to her room. It was midday, so everyone else was having lunch. He was starved, but he could go days without food if it meant that he could see her. He just wanted to know that she was alright.

He followed the directions that Armin gave him a few days ago.

“She’s okay. But she’s barely awake most of the time.” Armin said to him when he visited Eren in his cell. 

Eren didn't even think of knocking before stepping in. It was a good thing that he didn't knock though. If he did, he might've disrupted her sleep. The blood loss made her as pale as the sheets she slept on. She lost the soft, enchanting glow that she always had. His heart ached at the sight.

He sat in the chair that was beside her bed, and looked to see if she was dreaming. Her eyes were still behind her lids. Her lips were slightly parted, her breathing calm. She was in a deep sleep. But alive. 

She was alive. Even when she's not supposed to be. Eren's pent up relief and guilt hit him like a kick to the face. His hands were warm against hers, the feel of her cold skin against his making his guilt multiply ten folds.

Armin told him of how it was a miracle that she was alive, that she remained alive for that long without help. The blood loss alone should have killed her. And that's without considering the concussions and bruises from how hard the impact of her fall was, and how the grappling hook broke two of her ribs and barely missed her lung. The only valid explanation that the nurse came to on how she was alive was that the Ackerman bloodline’s strength helped her. Or that it was merely luck that her will to live was strong enough that she held on as long as she did.

He felt like crying again.

And crying was what he did. For the longest time he wept and sobbed, his head hung over their hands as the room echoed back his strangled voice, "I'm sorry.". He repeated through his tears, again and again from midday to midnight. It was pure coincidence that no one came to visit or check on her, not even the nurse. He moved only to light the candles in the room when it turned dark.

He didn't sleep, his eyes raw from all the crying that he did. When he had no more tears left to spill he only sat there and watched her, his thumb absentmindedly rubbing against the back of her palm.

_ Eren you dumb bastard. _

_ And if she dies, what will you do then?  _

_ What'll be the reasons you're fighting all the time?  _

_ Who will you see when you close your eyes in the middle of a fight? _

He scolded himself endlessly.

He almost jumped when she shifted in her sleep, strands of her hair falling to her face. Without putting thought into it, his fingers worked to slip them behind her ear. 

Whilst doing that his thumb brushed against the scar on her right cheek. The scar that he left. He needed to remind himself that this small little thing wouldn't be the only scar that she had because of him. There’ll be another one, far larger and deeper, only inches away from her heart.

He didn't know what it was, maybe it was how he left his hand to linger a little too long near her face. She must've felt how warm his hand was as she shifted again, this time her face turning to meet his hand. After her cheek was settled in his hand she sighed, the ghost of a smile turning her lips upwards.

Eren lost his breath at that. His thoughts spiralled, thinking of what could be if she knew and saw him the same way he did her occupying his mind space. After some time he shook his head, pushing the thoughts away. 

She only saw him as family. He needed to accept that.

_ The things you do to me, Mikasa. _

He needed to leave before dawn broke but he couldn't bring himself to rob her of the comfort that she found in his hand. He could've been the reason she was dead and yet she was finding relief in his touch.

_ Don't be stupid, she doesn't know it's you. _

He agreed. She most probably thought it was the nurse or even Sasha or anyone else.

Anyone else but him. Maybe she was everything to him, but that didn't guarantee one bit that she saw him the same way. He let out a defeated sigh.

He waited for her to shift in her sleep again, so that he could claim his hand back and make his way to settling himself in for the night back in his shared room.

But the time didn't come.

The next thing he knew, all the candles were burnt out and the sun was up, and he woke up with his head on the side of her bed. His right hand was kept there by her left hand, and his left hand was still very much nestled into the side of her face.

It took him some time to process everything, his fatigue and hunger giving him a headache. He was mystified as to why his left arm wasn't outstretched, but then he noticed that she turned in her sleep, to face him. His hand was still in its place on her cheek.

_ She’s really enjoying her rest. _

He sat up and realized how close her forehead was to his. She must’ve been cold that she turned to him for warmth. He almost didn't want to claim his hand back, seeing how comfortable she was.

But out of a dire need, he did. The ghostly feeling that her skin left against the palm of his hand and fingers gave him shivers.

He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and straightened up in the chair. His back and neck were sore, but it didn't matter. He knew she was safe, and he knew that she'd be well.

That was all that mattered then.

"What did they do to you?" he almost jumped at the sound of her voice. She must have seen that she surprised him, suppressing a laugh.

He tried his best not to stare at how amazing she looked with sunlight on her face. She might as well have been an angel.

"N-nothing. Just the usual... Probation... How are you?"

Her eyes shifted from him to the door behind him as she let out a sigh, "I've been better. The nurse said I'll at least need another week here to rest."

He didn't know what to reply to that. Yet he had so much to say. Where could he start? Where should he start? Usually it was the other way around, and he'd be the dazed and confused helpless one in bed and she'd be the one tending to him.

This? This was new to him.

Heck, he was so desperate about seeing her he forgot to even bring her a pitcher of water or a bowl of soup. He hated how ignorant he was. He was here to visit and check on her and yet all he thought of was to placate his anxiety without thinking of things that he could do to help ease her healing.

"Mikasa..." he started, both his hands holding onto hers firmly. He didn't know why, but he couldn't look her in the eyes. He felt heat rise to his face and ears as he tried to string the words he wanted to say together before saying them to her out loud.

She faced him, patient.

"I'm sorry." It came out strangled, and painful. As if he had to force them out.

She pulled one of her hands from his, and brushed his hair back. He wanted to lean into her touch so badly it was agonizing. Her touch felt like heaven to him.

She sighed, earnestly curious, "What are you apologizing for?"

He looked at her in disbelief. Somehow tears stung at his eyes. Did she not know how she almost died? All because of his reckless decision?

He wanted to scream and shout and beg her not to ever cover for him ever again since it only brought her pain, that she needed to stop protecting him since it should be the other way around but seeing the concerned look on her face, all that boiling rage simmered down so quickly he could only sob as he cried into her hand that he held.

"You almost died, Mikasa," he whispered in between his strangled weeping. "And if you did, it would all be because I was being an idiot and made a stupid, stupid decision," he cried out, his whole body shaking as more tears came.

"I-I don't know what I'd ever do if you weren't alive when I got to you that night." He sobbed some more.

Her hand now rested on the back of his head, ruffling his hair slightly. He could hear the slight smile in her tired voice as she looked down at him, "I did join the scouts to look out for you, I thought you knew. And besides, why would it matter if I'm not around anymore?"

Eren's head snapped up at that, her hand falling to rest on the side of his face.

_ God, she didn't know. _

She really didn't know how important she was to him.

"What?" He gathered himself, frustrated that she still didn't understand.

"Mikasa, when I saw you on that cavern floor, barely alive, it made me so mad that I-that I killed all of those men in the cavern. Every single one of them. No one else came to help. I-I didn't even turn into a titan-I,"

The words were jumbled up in his head.

_ Damn it, he couldn’t even think straight. _

"Mikasa, I ca-"

Eren's words were halted when the door to her room swung open. Mikasa's hand dropped from his face, and he let go of her hand.

In the hallway stood Captain Levi with a disapproving look on his face. He scoffed, "I passed by the stables to see no work done, Eren. Do you need another week in detention?" Eren tried his best not to wince at the captain’s remark.

If he were honest, he wouldn’t mind detention. But he would appreciate some bread and soup after a week of that horrid bland porridge.

"N-no, Captain. I'll-I was just-I'll be there right away." Eren stood to leave, meeting Mikasa's eyes for a brief moment as he closed the door behind him. Eren shuffled down the hallway to the mess hall as quickly as he could, feeling the captain drill holes into the back of his head.

Somewhere in him, he was relieved that the Captain came to interrupt his words. He wasn't ready to know if her feelings for him were anywhere near as… strong? Maybe? As his feelings for her.

But a part of him did wonder, what if she knew what he felt for her?

What if she knew, as much as he shrugged her off, as much as he seemed like he didn't care, he did. 

He cared about her, more than anything.

**Author's Note:**

> a little spin on the cavern and corps vs kenny squad battle.
> 
> idk this isn't that good tbh hahhhshadsd i just wanted reasons to write eren going feral and worrying over mikasa.
> 
> and yes i am in full eremika brain rot mode.
> 
> rip assignments i have my aching heart to tend to.
> 
> hope y'all liked this one !!
> 
> thank you in advance for all the hits and kudos and comments !! <3 y'all really make my day <3


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